The Pros and Cons of Healing Your Trauma
Dog demonstrates “pros” of not healing your trauma
If you’ve arrived on this page, welcome! Here is your prize: You are completely, utterly, and undoubtedly traumatized. Congratulations!
If you don’t believe it, then you’re probably even more traumatized than you think (a frog in boiling water once told me “hop in, the temperature is great”). At the same time, “trauma” is an overused term, often a stand-in for common stressors. Being reprimanded by your boss is probably not traumatic. But those messages you may feel when your boss reprimands you – “I’m never enough,” “I can’t ever do anything right,” “What’s the point in trying?”, “I can burn this place down” – those messages are probably rooted in trauma.
To be clear, the word “trauma” has undergone a metamorphosis in recent decades. Bessel van der Kolk, author of the perpetually bestselling The Body Keeps the Score, has described it as “the lingering physical and emotional imprint of an event, which can leave a person feeling perpetually stuck in a state of fear and helplessness.” These imprints form when the individual is overwhelmed by an event, or series of events, but the event itself is not the trauma. In fact, seemingly innocuous events like not having your emotional needs met, loss of authenticity, or disconnection from the self can have lasting, debilitating emotional impacts.
Of course, this has a number of far-reaching implications, one of which is that the term “trauma” means so many different things to so many people. So, traumatized compatriots, I will answer the most common intellectual quandaries for you. “Do I even have a right to say I experienced trauma when people have experienced real traumas like wars, extreme poverty, violence, sexual abuse, or disabilities?” The answer is yes. “How can I be traumatized if I’ve lived a comfortable, privileged life?” The very question reeks of trauma. “But I grew up in a perfect family!” That’s wonderful, and just about anyone who says that is most-likely definitely traumatized.
So what are we talking about here? If everyone has trauma, then what’s even the point of using the term? Is this just some watered down form of self-victimization? Well, I look at trauma the same way I look at my belly button. Just because everyone has one doesn’t mean it’s not important or endlessly fascinating. And what’s endlessly fascinating about trauma is how normalized it’s become–how it constantly hides in plain sight.
Even for those who grew up in loving families, I can say for sure that most people have trauma because most of my clients are Americans. And there’s no way to be an American without being either overexposed or suspiciously ignorant of mass violence, dehumanization, toxic shame, an incessant stream of “you’re not enough,” bullying (childhood or corporate), sexism, corruption, war, awfully-bad politicians, pollution, never-ending media gaslighting, and just a really, really, really dumb version of capitalism – all starting from somewhere around the age of “woah, I’m in a womb.” And whether you’re overexposed or suspiciously ignorant, that’s a big problem for your health.
Most notably, even the “innocuous” forms of trauma that we tend to ignore play out in relationships. A soulmate gets triggered by an unintented slight, leading to torture through silent treatment. A friendship is severed because one is terrified of conflict. The nice guy stops being nice. Your husband’s affair partner reaches out to you. You shrink into a ball. And no matter how many relationship books you buy, attachment-style questionnaires you fill out, or life-coaches you follow on social media, you end up having the same fights, dating the same people, or regressing into your 5-year-old self whenever you have a disagreement about household chores.
It plays out in schools, too. Ever notice how, after every mass shooting, there’s always some news report about how the school shooter was subject to some form of humiliation, ostracization, or bullying? Every time? And remember how we responded to this obvious correlation by devoting the majority of our anti-violence investments in the highly-effective programs combating humiliation, ostracization, and bullying in schools? Just joking! Instead we took the logical steps of calling children “monsters,” devoting upwards of $12 billion a year in metal detectors that don’t actually prevent mass shootings, and forcing kids to watch instructional videos on how to “run, hide, FIGHT!” Because if there’s anything worth preserving, it’s our God-given right to humiliate, ostracize, and bully kids who are struggling to fit in. Again, trauma.
But what if none of these examples relate to you? What if you don’t even worry about relationships, let alone falling into the same relationship patterns? What if you don’t honestly care about school shootings, bullying, whatever happens in the Middle East, the environment, or our really, really dumb form of capitalism? What if you don’t care about…anything but yourself?
You think I’m going to annoyingly say “trauma,” don’t you? No, not at all. You are very clearly well-adjusted and will never, ever, need therapy. You are perfect. I promise.
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For the rest of us, refugees of a physically and mentally toxic culture, you might ask yourself “Ok, if I take you on your word, what am I supposed to do about it?” The answer is that you don’t have to do anything about it. Trauma makes for great great art, after all. High and low drama alike. For instance, you can start a vendetta. Partake in extreme sports. Chase bad guys around the world who keep kidnapping your family members over and over.
Liam Neeson demonstrates the “pros” of not healing from your trauma. Quality entertainment!
Better yet, you could try and force your kids to live the dream you were never able to. Doctors! Lawyers! You could become a tortured artist, or a retired bank robber until you’re lured in by that one, last, irresistible job. You could restart your career as a hit man because someone killed your dog. If you’re really lucky, you could even star in your own biopic where you start from humble roots, endure abuse from your father, start a successful band, reach peak fame, get addicted to drugs, lose your marriage and friends only to discover the error of your ways and find redemption by playing one last, epic concert!
OR…
Or you could try something profoundly different. Like fast-forwarding to the present, looking in the mirror, and asking yourself “why am I so used to just barely getting by?” You could do a deep dive to find the parts of yourself that you needed to hide to survive. You could learn the tools to find the people who love and support you, graciously say “no” to those who don’t, and practice re-opening the door of trust just a little crack…and then another.
You could even pause, look at your children in the eyes, and say “sorry.” Learn the instrument you’ve always wanted to play. Stop trying to change what you can’t change and create the world you always wanted through the quality of your relationships. Join a support group. Finally grieve the people who left you without notice. Feel your feelings. Retire from being a hit man and bury your dog for fucksakes. Look at your addiction to whatever makes you feel lousy and say “no more.” Throw away your therapy tool-kit and practice the art of…practice.
I know…that probably sounds boring as shit.
But if you need help, ask for some help. Try me, try others, but for godsakes try someone. If the world is making you crazy, you’re definitely not alone. You’re actually insanely normal. I promise. And if what I say doesn’t work…well…you can always burn this place down.
Ryan Lappi is licensed psychotherapist in Colorado. He’s been writing blogs since…this post. All thoughts are his own. Although, when you really think about it, only about 4% of most people’s content is probably actually original. Anyway, feel free to reach out to him at Ryan@InnerNatureRecovery.com.
